Saturday, August 9, 2014

Gourmet Caesar Croutons


Good Afternoon Margie’s Gourmet Caesar Croutons, how may I help you?

I would like to talk to Margie.

Sorry sir, Margie is just the name of the company we don’t have a person named Margie.  I am a Margie customer service associate and I can help you.

Today I purchased a package of your “Margie’s Gourmet Caesar Croutons” made with your calabrese bread, whatever that is. I did a taste test with yours against “Fresh Gourmet Organic Caesar Premium Croutons” and I have to tell you that yours tasted terrible.

So sorry sir that you had that experience. We use the best of ingredients.

You may use the best of ingredients but they tasted like crap.

We have had focus groups tested and they were delighted with the Margies’s Gourmet Caesar Croutons.

Well, you probably paid your focus groups and they were going to rave about your product.  I was not delighted with them as a matter of fact after eating one I threw the rest away in the garbage.  I don’t know what special spices you added to make them gourmet but they tasted like dried horse shit.

If you were disatisfied with Magie’s Gourmet Caesar Croutons we would be glad to send you a free coupon for the purchase of another package.

I don’t want another package as a matter of fact I don’t even want my money returned I just wanted you to know that some of us find your product uneatable.

 We use the best of ingredients, sir.

Your best of ingredients doesn’t do it. What in the world is that very odd taste in your product?

The ingredients are listed on the package, sir.

It just says “and other spices” and I want to know exactly what spices you used.

Our nutritionists and chefs in our award winning test kitchens select the very best of ingredients.  Of course I cannot divulge the secret recipe we have to protect our products to keep them from our competitors.

Believe me that when your other competitors taste your croutons they will not be dying to know what special spices you use.

If you would please send us an address, sir, I will send you a free coupon for the purchase of another Margies’s Gourmet Caesar Croutons.

I don’t want your damn coupon.  I wouldn’t feed your croutons to alley cats.  I don’t want my money returned.  It cost me only $2.49 pus tax to learn never to purchase something I have never tasted before.

Perhaps sir, we can send you a free coupon for any of our other superior Margie’s products.

I wouldn’t buy one of your products again, don’t you understand?

I am so sorry sir for your experience and I have noted your review of our Margie’s Gourmet Caesar Croutons and will send it on to our product quality control.

Just what is that odd spice you have added or is it the calabrese bread?  Is it made from licorice or stable droppings?

Sorry sir, we cannot divulge a company secret.

Believe me, miss, your company secret ain’t worth keeping.


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